:::WARNING:::
What I am about to post might be too personal, but I feel that I need to share some of my recent feelings with those around me. Please understand before you read this that 1.I am NOT pregnant and 2. This post is VERY long, so if you don't want to read it, that's okay.
It has been a REALLY long journey. I don't exactly know how I got here, but I am sure grateful I am here now. I guess I should tell you where I am. This journey began many years ago. I was a new bride and had dreams of having lots of babies right away. As a young girl, I always dreamed of being a mom... and being on stage. (My mom has some great stories.) Despite all the desires of my heart, the Lord knew that I needed to wait a little while before I could be a mom. While living in a heavily populated Mormon community, surrounded by new moms EVERYWHERE, my heart ached that I could not be one of them. I couldn't bring myself to be around them. Every announcement would make me sad. Tears would often soak my pillow when a friend would tell me that they were expecting. Baby showers were missed. Friends were neglected. Sorrow filled my heart. For several years, I spent so much energy almost hating anyone who complained about being a mom. I avoided baby blessings like the plague and dreaded meeting anyone new because I knew the first question I would be asked was, "How many children do you have."
After being married for 7 years and still not being blessed with children, I had lots of practice answering awkward questions. Often, my basset hound, Lady, was my excuse for a child. Other times I would say, "none yet - I must not be praying hard enough." If I was in a really bad mood, then I might respond with, "After seeing all the naughty things your kids do, I don't think I want to have any." (Okay I never really said the last one, but I did think it once.)
Something needed to change. Ironically, having a baby wasn't the solution for me. Granted, in my mind, all I needed to do to be happy was to have a baby. I kept telling myself that I would be happy when I was a mom. Like the flip of a switch, life would be better the day I found out I was pregnant. After years of this philosophy, I decided something needed to change and that something was me.
I was wasting so much time on being bitter. In the deepest part of my heart, I knew that I will be a mom in the Lord's time, but that didn't make it any easier. I was basing my happiness on something that has yet to happen, and let's face it, might not ever happen. Taking a step back, I looked at my life right now. Pre-mom world.
As my husband often reminds me, I live the retired life. I don't have to work and I pretty much do whatever I want most of the time. I stay home taking care of our dog, but Basset Hounds don't really need a lot of attention. Give her a little bit of sun, make sure she has water and that's about it. Scrapbooking can consume my day, or I can go shopping or for a walk whenever I want. I can spend the whole day in the Library or sewing in my craft room. Don't get me wrong. There are still plenty of unpleasant things that I have to do, but in the grand scheme of things, life is good.
Despite all of the wonderful aspects of being a house wife with no kids, my heart still aches. A few months ago, I was talking with a dear friend. I was telling her how miserable I am not being a mom. As a single woman herself, she was saying how miserable she is not being married. While telling her how great she has it as a free woman, it hit me. My friend and I were both completely missing this great phase of life waiting for the next one. While she waited for her prince charming to bring her joy, I was waiting for a baby. We both had so many blessings right now, but were missing them waiting for the next phase. While I have my prince charming, I was waiting for that little price or princess. Someday we are both going to look back over our lives and regret wasting so much energy yearning for something we can't have yet.
Flash forward a few weeks. I had been praying for my heart to be comforted. I knew that I wanted inner peace with not being a mom right now. It did not happen over night, but through the course of a few weeks, I began to slowly feel more joy creep into my heart.
One morning, I was saying a prayer, and unlike most of my prayers, I was praying out loud. In my prayer, I told Heavenly Father that I was happy. I was happy to be Donna-not-a-mom-yet. As tears streamed down my face, I knew that what I was feeling was complete joy. Don't get me wrong, I still want to be a mom, but I can have joy in the here and now.
So this is where I am. On this journey, that I know is far from over, I know that I can be happy despite how hard it is. I still want to be a mom just as bad as before, but something has changed. I can have joy in the journey. While the fertility treatments are still just as hard, (maybe even harder than before,) I feel as though the Savior is carrying the burden of my sorrow. With all of my heart, I know that I am doing everything I can on my end to make it happen, so if it takes longer that most people, that's okay. The things I am learning today will make me a better mom someday.
While writing this all out, I wondered why I felt like I needed to share this. Maybe you know someone going through something hard. Maybe that someone is you. I believe that at some point in all of our lives, we have to go through something so hard that it brings us to tears. For me, many times it's friends that help me through those times. I know that my Heavenly Father is always there, but often I lack the faith to depend on Him to help me through. I guess that is part of the lesson I am learning.
Please forgive me for this long post. Hopefully, someone can smile a little more after reading this. Our journey is far from over.
